Inspired

"O dia é a constante lembrança de ti.
A noite é a dicotomia perfeita entre a realidade e o sonho, o possível e o impossível, hoje e amanhã."

I just made this out. Let me translate it.

"Day is the constant reminding of you.
Night is the perfect dichotomy between reality and dream, possible and impossible, today and tomorrow."

Isn't it cool? I was thinking of João Francisco, and those sentences just came into me. =)

And I made something in french to, just by thinking of him.

"Tout me manque. Tes yeux. Tes mains. Ta voix. Ton sourire. Tu uniquement."

I think I'll text-message him this tomorrow first thing in the morning.
Knowing someone is thinking about you, or wakes up missing you, and letting the other person know, puts anyone in a good mood! =)

I MUST update the posts here really soon.
College is going sort of well, but overtiring...
I guess it gets better over the time.

Kiss

Now or never

GOD, am I struggling right now!..

I was this afternoon with one of my best friends (António) and after he had listen to me, he advised me to call João Francisco, and actually almost made me promise I would do it today.

Well, I've arrived home just about half an hour, went to my pc (which I left turned on) and looked him up on the online people in the messenger feature.
Nothing.
Desperation.
Then, I went to my mail-box and there was a mail from him, but nothing personal, just the same boring "FW", but it had been sent like 10 minutes before. And I thought to myself, what if I call him?, but fear came into me again, and I didn't react. And suddenly another mail from him but, again, another "FW", this time from a mail I had sent the other day about "12 ways to know if you love someone". So cute. And so true.
But nothing more.

I really want to talk to him, and be with him. I miss him sooooo much. But nothing will happen if I just stay here and do nothing. It's stupid really. I look pretty pathetic everytime someone turns online on the messenger, or my phone rings... If my mum only knew...

Talking about her, she just called me...

I don't know what to do. I guess I must really call João Francisco, I mean, that's the only reasonable thing to do here. He said he likes and that he misses me. I said it to. What's next?

I'm afraid to put him in an awkard situation with his parents, family, friends, him, us...

Let me give it a try, perhaps...

ARGHH! I'm so afraid...

But I have to do it.

It's now or never.

Vou fazer 19 anos...!

Bem...
Faltam menos de 10 minutos para fazer 19 anos...MAS EU NÃO QUERO MESMO!
Sei que vai ter de ser, mas então decidi deixar aqui uma derradeira marca dos meus 18 anos.
Posso dizer que os 18 foram a melhor idade que já tive até agora. Aconteceu-me de tudo, e conheci as melhores pessoas, às quais agradeço ter conhecido, pois são bastante importantes para mim. Aos amigos já de longa data, tenho imensas suadades vossas, mas espero vê-los a todos, em breve.
Meu Deus! Faltam 5 minutos!...
Tou completamente assustada.
Eu sei que nada mesmo vai bater os 18, mas acho que vai ser giro daqui a algum tempo vir ler aqui o meu blog, e ter este post por aqui, porque é mesmo a minha última palavra com 18!!...
ALGUÉM ME SALVA??! A SÉRIO QUE NÃO QUERO FAZER ANOS!!
Dava tudo para ficar assim, como que parada no tempo, eternamente nos 18...
3 MINUTOS!
Bem, à pessoa mais velha em que me vou tornar: não mudes, a não ser que seja mesmo para melhor! Faz escolhas certas, e sê mais confiante. Organiza-te mais, e concentra-te nos estudos. SÊ FELIZ E NÃO TENHAS MEDO! E escreve, e canta, e tudo...
Um grande beijinho deste lado,

a tua pessoa com 18 anos.

A little bit confused...as always

Here we are again.
So much to tell, but so little time. I know it's awfull that I only write here like in spaces of 6 months or so. But school, holidays and such things take me the time to do this blog, and you must encounter that I can only write this while mum isn't at home. I mean, if she found out that I have this and what I've written so far, I would definitly kill myself...
So.
First I will tell you about Hermes, one boy I've mentioned previously in another post. In june I sent him a normal text-message, asking ironically the reason why he had a different phone oppeator than mine. I have free text-messages, you know, for people with the same phone opperator as myself. He didn't answered me, so I gave it another try in august, asking him how the holidays were going. But again, unsuccessfully.
Then I started school in september, and in one of the times I first so him after our summer holidays...I still don't know why but my body reacted without thinking. I was back to school after having lunch with my friends at the Plaza and it was a thursday afternoon. I entered in the school and was heading to the bathroom upstairs, when I saw him with his friends heading downstairs. And I was like, nothing, and my legs just took me somewhere where I thought he wouldn't find me. I went to the student's secretary and stayed there, waited for my turn, asked a silly question, breathed in and out, and left that place. And there he was, on his back. And I just ran away again, this time to the little school's material's shop, where I asked about the wheater (wtf?) and left again, going upstairs to the first floor. When I got there, I saw him again with his friends, and I had no other option then to continue crawling until I've reached the second floor. When I got there, I was so releaved to not having to face up with Hermes. But there's where I make another mistake. When I'm almost reaching the stairs to go down, he appears right ahead of me. This, was a shock to me. I said hi, he said hi and the how are you's, and then I just went "running" all the stairs and throughout the corridor, until I found my classroom. Well, after that day the thing between us was just about eye's flirting and "hi!how are you?"'s wishings. My point of view was that, like I mentioned another time, I didn't like him but obviously wouldn't loose someting if I had a "thingy" with him.
What happens is that during my christmas holidays I spent a day with some friends of mine, who eventually found out about him, stole my cellphone, sent him a declaration message and returned it to me, without ever noticing what was going on. When Hermes answered, I was like "What have you done?!" to my friends and then they told me what they had just done. His answer was saying that he didn't unfortunately loved me back (as if!) and that he was sorry, and bla bla bla. So I sent him a text-message back explaining what had happend and who's fault it was, and he was like "Just so you know, I don't believe in what you've just said.". My chin fell literally down. So I sent him a final message explaining the truth of it all and if he did believe it or not, was up to him. First week at school after christmas time, we went back to the hi's and how are you's. End of discussion.

Now...a problem even bigger than that.

There's a friend of mine in my class with whom my friendship is awesome. His name is João Francisco and he came from the french highschool here in Lisbon. We phone each other, he makes me laugh, he helps me, whatever. I sincerely never thought of something more, I mean, he always said he loved me, hold my hand and so on, but it was all bullshit and I knew it all the time. We even laughed at it. But one of theese days, during the past school period, we were doing a group work, and he declared to myself. I was like "He's so joking..." and I even phoned him that day asking him if it was realy meant, he denied and I added that I didn't liked him, but if he did, it wouldn't be something to be ashamed of.
We continued our lives, and everything was going great. But last friday, during the drawing class, he hold my hand and said that he liked him and he was asking "Don't you like me just a tiny little bit?". But I just closed my mouth, I mean, of course I liked him that tiny little bit at least, but it would be safer to just shut myself up. He, then, said "I'm still going to conquer you." and so I answerd "Who says you haven't done it already?". I looked at him, and what I saw was perfect hapinness and that light in his eyes that everyone talks about when referring to this type of subject. We continued talking that friday afternoon because I phoned him, and he went on saying what he felt about me, and asking me for an answer. I just kept on hindering, and then my cousins from Australia rang on the door, and I just sayd goodbye, with an I love you (but this i love you does not mean passion! it's the one we normally use to say goodbye to our friends) and something else, which I couldn't remember all weekend until João said it to me yesterday at school. "I'm gonna miss you." which is true, you know.
On monday during our drawing class, one of our common friends, Frédéric, who also came from the french highschool, asked me if I liked João, and after that question until the end of the class, it felt to me like I was being bombarded. I couldn't even draw a single line, or think about anything else. João than asked me if he was pressing me, and I confirmed. Of course I was feeling pressed, this is all new for me! That afternoon, while I was at my german class, he sent me a text-message saying "I'm sorry I've pressed you, I'm a jerk. Can we still be friends?" and I just thought how "stupid" he was, thinking the way he was thinking. I went home, and he phoned me when I was on the bus, full of people, on my way home. I said I'd phone him when I arrive, and so it went. I phoned him, and we talked about it. Then we went to the msn, and we talked about it. And after he phoned me through the msn, we talked about it. He was waiting for an answer. An answer to questions such as "Do you like me?" and "Do you like me enough for us to try?". I said that I like him, but that I'm not sure of what I am feeling.
I'm afraid that everything will go wrong, or that he doesn't like me, like me as he thinks, or even that we can't be friends no longer after this. Of course I like to be with him, feel him touching my hands, my waist, looking at me, understanding me. I don't know. I don't know what he sees in me, I mean, I'm fat as hell, ugly as hell, shorty as hell, I don't have the brains he has, and my irritating voice...how can he handle with all of that, and still like me? He was asking me if I was ashamed of him, but I should be asking HIM if he's not going to be ashamed of myself. I tried to write a poem about this situation during our math's class but it's kishy I think. I wasn't sure if I should give it to him or not, but during our phone call on msn, after we saw a rainbow ( =P ) I decided to send it. He read it, said it wasn't kishy at all and that he had loved it.
Today I didn't went to the first class in the morning, parcially because I didn't woke up, but perhaps mainly because I wasn't sure how to face him. We acted normally when we saw each other, went to fetch some copies downstairs, and when we arrived upstairs, he asked me again what I feel, because I already knew what he felt, and I re-said it, although I wasn't sure, sure if it was going to work. I even stutterd, I may say. And then João said wise words..."Now, let's not press it. We know we like each other, and if and when it happens, it happens." He had another class, but I didn't, so I decided to go home. It was then that I realised that I hadn't my cellphone with me, so I went searching Fred because he had it with him, but couldn't find him anymore. I had lunch with my mum, and went to school again, because half of the class had school this afternoon, and João and Fred belong to that half. He returned my cellphone, and my plan was to come home and study, but somehow they convinced me to stay until the end of their class. I came home with Fred along the way, because he was talking about me and João, and how perfect we are for each other, and how João liked me, and how he thought I didn't liked him and because of that and of his shiness, that he wasn't going to go any step forward. And that it's up on me to do that step.
I still don't konw what to do. I wanna be with him, but I don't want to force it too. I want to kiss him, but not sure of it too. Maybe I'm not prepared, I don't know. But if this situation doesn't alter in the next few days, the way I am, maybe I will not stand it. Crazy, you know?